Scott Begbie: All we’re missing now is a plague of locusts and an asteroid strike

I have found an explanation for the current state of the world… we are all living in a computer game and someone’s turned the madness dial up to 11.

There is, actually, a credible theory that all our existence is a computer simulation being run by an advanced version of the human race. Which means we are little more than an uber hi-tech version of The Sims.

If that is true (and according to Oxford University philosopher Nick Bostrom it very likely is) then I reckon someone has got bored and decided to mix things up a bit.

After all, in what sane existence would Brexit (remember that) be a thing? And in what feasible reality would a government be pressing on regardless while the world is paralysed by Covid-19?

Said pandemic itself has seen us all locked in our houses for 11 weeks while the grim death toll climbs to shocking heights. How did we get to that sorry state?

Oh yes, because we have Boris Cummings as prime minister, staving off coronavirus with slogans and British exceptionalism and little else.

At least we Scots have grown-ups in the room trying to keep us safe.

Then we have America. Oh dear.

A US president who suggests drinking bleach to stop Covid-19. One who is now lurching towards tyranny while sending in brutal shock troops to gas and beat his own citizens for demanding white policemen stop killing black people.

That sounds like the plot of mediocre dystopian science fiction novel. It is today’s reality.

We even have respected American commentators running scenarios in which Trump refuses to leave the White House if he doesn’t accept November’s election result.

I don’t know about you, but I’m finding myself in a constant state of disbelief about the way the world is now. Every time I read the news there is something else to make me shake my head in disbelief.

I daren’t even delve into the maelstrom of Twitter. Some of the denizens on there are terrifying in their view of the world.

All of which makes me think maybe there is some fed-up teenager in the far future who’s decided it was all going too smoothly and thrown some nightmare scenarios at their digital creations, just to see how we get on. Next thing you know we’ll get a plague of locusts or an asteroid strike.

One aspect of the simulation theory is we as a species shouldn’t try too hard to find out if it is true. If we rumble them, the people running the programme might turn it off. Given how 2020 is going, I’m not sure that would be a bad thing.

Summer’s here but it hasn’t got its hat on

Remember the good old days when people said “it’s chilly for June” as a joke?

As I write these words, I am huddling in a thick jumper waiting for the heating I just turned back on to kick in.

Can I just say today is June 9. This is supposed to be summer, so where is it?

Last weekend’s wee blast of sun and heat surely wasn’t it for the year? I know global warming is on the backburner just now, but could we have just a little, please?

Sink this yacht and lords who go with it

You know what we need right now to lift the spirits of the nation? A royal yacht, that’s what.

Well, it is if you’re one of those lovely chaps who is a peer of the realm.

Step forward Lord Digby Jones, pictured right, who reckons that the perfect way to take our minds off having the highest coronovirus death toll in Europe is to spend £100 million on a new boat for the Royal Family, pictured above, to mess about in.

Apparently, we would all be amazed at the number of people who would love to see it touring Britain and holding open days, he says.

Oh and 14-year-old teenagers would relate to it too. Like they do.

Lord Jones backed up his assertion by saying: “And why now? Because the nation is going to come through this in better shape. If we actually believe in ourselves. That’s what we need to believe in ourselves…”

Of course we do. One of the things we need to start believing is there’s little point to an unelected House of Lords full of people so divorced from reality they think spending £100 million on an elitist yacht is a good thing.