I can see the posters: “Not coming to a town near you anytime soon: first minister super-glued to Covid lectern".
If you're a working man or woman, resident in Aberdeen and reading this, contain yourself for a couple of minutes when I inform you that employees in the Granite City are awash with dosh.
Nicola Sturgeon has been praising the press this week, presumably through gritted teeth.
First, the stark, eye-popping fact: almost 100,000 people in Scotland could lose their jobs by the end of the year as the Covid crisis bites more deeply.
Dear First Minister. I feel your pain. Those stiletto heels.
SUE Barker has confessed she had to be crow-barred out of the presenter’s seat of A Question of Sport and admitted she would not have gone voluntarily.
It has been a peacekeeping week, though not on the scale that would have taxed Kofi Annan.
We must assume Nicola Sturgeon has forgotten to check Experian before setting course towards another independence referendum.
Donald Trump Jr, eyes superglued to the autocue, cracked a joke at the Republican Party convention along the lines that his dad’s opponent in November’s US presidential election – Joe Biden – is like the Loch Ness Monster; he pops his head up every now and again to run for president.
What faces Aberdeen and the north-east post-Covid-19?
When Nicola Sturgeon dished out yellow cards like some kind of political referee, she should have practised on her Education Secretary John Swinney.
Should we have been surprised at the cluster of cases of Covid-19 at an Aberdeen bar?
Protective ones may have been on as Boris Johnson held a crab in each hand for a photo opportunity in Orkney, but the gloves are well and truly off in his campaign to keep Scotland in the UK.
Qualified though I am, there will be no application from me to participate in a new BBC TV show which needs bad singers.
In my TV days I once called Jack Charlton with an invitation to be the subject of a lengthy interview on his career as a Leeds United and England defender.
It's still the talk of the town. Or should that be the walk of the town?
We must assume Kleon Papadimitriou has the backside of a rhino – not in size, of course – but in toughness.
I have never fully appreciated the need for pubs, probably because my visits to them have been infrequent; rare, some might say.
It was JD Salinger, in The Catcher In The Rye, who wrote: “Certain things, they should stay the way they are. You ought to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone.”
Has the coronavirus lockdown muddled the minds of local politicians?
Former England striker Peter Crouch’s assessment of professional footballers won’t go down well in the changing rooms of clubs up and down the country.
Was Kate Forbes blindfolded when she signed off the new pay deal for Scottish Government civil servants?
Pictures of lengthy car queues at those temples of fast food, McDonald’s, prompts the question: What will it be like when the pubs reopen?
What was STV thinking in posting the pro-Nicola Sturgeon video on social media where a series of script-perfect children praised her for keeping them safe amid the Covid-19 outbreak?
Dear Dom, Being a contrary kind of guy, I refused to join the feeding frenzy over your 250-mile Thelma and Louise road trip from London to County Durham on the basis you put your family first, as I would have done.
I have rediscovered the glorious Hazlehead Park during the lockdown, taking evening strolls to blow away the cobwebs gathered during self-isolation.
There are a number of worrying aspects surrounding the Nike conference in Edinburgh, where Scotland’s coronavirus difficulties began, and why those infected by the delegate who had Covid-19 were not tracked down.
How sad life must be for those countless consumers who felt the need to queue in their cars for a drive-thru burger or a coffee.
Keith Wyness, the former chief executive at Aberdeen FC and never afraid to speak his mind could be right in predicting that Scottish football might reconstruct itself into just two leagues.
I was reminded this week of just what a superb analyst Jock Stein was when someone tweeted an interview I did with the ex-Celtic boss on the night in Sweden known to all Aberdeen FC fans quite simply as “Gothenburg”.