No Christmas do for me

Published:

ONE of the benefits of being self-employed means that this is the first year where I won’t have to go to a work Christmas do.

Not for me the tears, the hugging or the drunken home truths. I’ve had enough of the sitting down, making awkward ‘personal’ conversation with the boss whilst being badgered by someone else to stick my paper hat on.

Not for me the awful embarrassment as that secretary who only ever drinks three times a year downs her sixth ‘Brain Haemorrhage’ cocktail before collapsing on the way to toilets and throwing up over her new party frock.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents genuinely have to send out a press release every year to all the papers asking them to remind readers to not try and sit on photocopiers, eat miseltoe or punch their boss.

According to a recent report, a number of companies have cancelled their Christmas do because of the credit crunch.

I can remember working in a city centre bar popular with some of the bigger companies and they would spend thousands on the do.

The manager would put the credit card behind the bar and start off with a £100 limit. Then when his group reached the limit you’d approach him and ask if he wanted to increase it.

Normally you’d only have to do this four times, as that’s the point where he’s noticed the miseltoe and that woman from sales and suddenly the limit is gone.

This was always a great moment. We had a bit of a game. For every drunk, crying on some stairs, that was one drink for ourselves that we would to the bill.

We’d have two drinks for any vomit and three drinks if any of the employees were rude to us.

By the end of the night we’d have enough after-work drinks for the rest of the year.

I don’t think it possible to feel ambivalent about the work Christmas do. Like me you either hate it or look forward to it and prepare for it with a wild excitement.

If, like me, you hate people, here’s my handy tip – miss as much of the night as you can. If you can get out of the turkey eating bit then do, because that’s the bit with small talk.

Meet up for the drinking and get far too drunk far too quickly. It’s the only way to make it all bearable.