Loudmouth Learmonth - our columnist on the web

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ANDREW Learmonth is a comedian, writer and broadcaster.

He started comedy around two years ago partly because he wanted to and partly because he felt he needed to do something a bit exciting.

Andrew is a radio presenter, and has written material for numerous magazines.

He’s also been in the process of writing a children’s book for the last two years.

Born in Aberdeen and raised a few miles outside Peterhead and now living in Aberdeen, Andrew knows the North-east of Scotland and its comedy and music scene very well.

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I’VE decided I’m really going to miss the Olympics. Maybe it’s because we’ve done so well or maybe it’s because they are actually properly entertaining but I have been hooked on them this year.

At the back of my mind is the thought that maybe it’s not too late to get into training for 2012.

Surely there must be some sport which we in Britain don’t have that many athletes for?

I’ve got four years to train – who knows I could maybe get a medal.

But what was that handover ceremony all about? We had eight minutes in which we put on a show inviting the world to come to London in 2012 and it seems we thought instead of competing against the lavishness, extravagance and well drilled flawlessness of the Beijing events we’ll just go weird.

For those who didn’t see it I have used my incredibly high-up sources in the British Olympic Committee to get a tape of the meeting. I have transcribed it for you here.

Willoughby: Right. Well there this bus right? A big red double-decker like what they use in London and it drives really slowly into the stadium and then… this is where it gets special… it turns into… a bush!

Smith: A bush.

Willoughby: But not just any bush obviously. This bush has the London Eye, Buckingham Palace and Big Ben cut into it, and it’s a magical bush – celebrities appear from its depths. Like Coldplay or that more affordable girl from the X-Factor. And they could be singing a famous British song. Like the theme tune from Top Of The Pops. And then David Beckham emerges from the bush with a little girl and a football and we’ll get him to kick the ball

Smith: But Beckham’s got nothing to do with the Olympics? Does he?

Willoughby: Don’t matter. He’s a footballer and people like him. The most important thing is when he’s standing on top of the bush is that there’s a girl wearing blue pants playing violin beside him.

Smith: Why?

Willoughby: You ever seen a girl play violin in her pants?

Smith: We don’t want to be seen as sexist.

Willoughby: Yeah. You could be right. Better get a boy playing cello in some tight blue shorts. That’ll keep the ladies happy.

[The tape comes to an abrupt end here]

I’ve been in meetings like this. It’s 4.50pm and you really want to go home but despite a day of thinking and talking through ideas all you’ve got nothing on the table. So you think, ‘sod it we’ll just do Kevin’s really stupid idea and hope no one’s paying too much attention’. I’m fairly sure this is how the world is run.