Loudmouth Learmonth - our columnist on the web

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ANDREW Learmonth is a comedian, writer and broadcaster.

He started comedy around two years ago partly because he wanted to and partly because he felt he needed to do something a bit exciting.

Andrew is a radio presenter, and has written material for numerous magazines.

He’s also been in the process of writing a children’s book for the last two years.

Born in Aberdeen and raised a few miles outside Peterhead and now living in Aberdeen, Andrew knows the North-east of Scotland and its comedy and music scene very well.

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I AM sitting at my desk trying to get work done but for some reason I just can’t concentrate.

I think it’s because I have given up smoking.

I am easily distracted and irritable.

On the way to my GP to ask for some help I knew I was doing the right thing.

Like all smokers I know how bad for me it is, and I know how expensive it is. Yet when the words, ‘I’d like to stop smoking, is there something you can prescribe to help me?’ left my mouth something at the back of my brain asked me what the hell I thought I was doing.

It was like trying to break up with a particularly grippy girlfriend.

The bits of my brain that had become addicted to nicotine told me that we just need to take things slowly and that it would be less fuss for me and the fags to stay together than it would be to break up.

Anyway, I have now one of those pretend cigarette shaped inhaler things.

I have it one hand while I stuff my face with sweets and biscuits to try to stop the cravings.

I stand up and pace about my flat before staring blankly out the window.

My eye is caught by movement in the flat opposite – it’s a lady walking about completely naked.

I’m a bit surprised because after living in this flat for a few years I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone in the flat across the street, never mind someone in the nip.

I’m quite impressed by her confidence. I don’t think I could walk past a window in the middle of the day with everything on show. Perhaps this is a fault with me.

I should have more confidence in myself and in my body.

I’m not the worst looking man but I do continually beat myself up, I need to do something that will help get me the confidence of naked lady.

Unfortunately while I’m thinking this naked lady sees me staring right at her.

She rushes forwards to close her curtains, whilst giving me the dirtiest look.

I panic and try to wave in a way that says don’t worry I’m not a pervert, it’s just coincidence that I’m looking.

We could probably be friends.

Unfortunately I’m not sure that she understands, and with one look of utter disgust she closes the curtains.

I sit down absolutely shocked. I’m going to go to jail, everyone’s going to think I’m a peeping tom.

Two hours later there is a knock at the door. It’s a policeman. ‘Excuse me sir’. This is it, this it I’m going to prison.

‘Your neighbour downstairs was burgled over the weekend. I don’t suppose you saw anything’

I tell him that I didn’t but that he should ask the people who live in the flats opposite as they have quite a good view.