MY BRAIN has turned to jam. Don’t panic, I’m on holiday, that’s meant to happen.
I haven’t picked up a paper or watched the news, apart from a brief flick to the local channel (to discover what the Mauritian Jackie Bird looked like). But this poses me with a slight problem, I usually write my column about current affairs. So, I’m going to have to be smug and write about my lovely holiday. I hope it warms your cockles a little (I know it’s been icicles at dawn at home) and I promise I’ll try not to make you too green with envy… as I turn a lovely shade of golden brown.
So, you might have gathered, I’m in Mauritius, with my boyfriend. No, we’re not on our honeymoon, nor are we planning on getting married, as I have had to reassure my Mum, friends and almost every single person since we arrived.
So, to set the record straight, before you begin your own chirpy questioning, I’ve not got married. And, having watched countless couples on the beach, I don’t think it’s for me. Brides baking in their many tulle’d meringues trying hard not to look hot in their wedding snaps as the groom looks glumly on, thinking ‘this was not what getting sweaty on my wedding day was meant to mean’.
It is a paradise though, emerald sea laps at icing sugar beaches and palm tree fronds breath gently against skies the baby blue I was desperate to have my walls painted when I was seven. It’s also a fascinating island historically. Now wait while I get my geek on. It was first captured by the Dutch in 1598. And they made a right old hash of it: chopping down expansive ebony forests and making the dodo extinct. Yes, what total dodos. The French then commandeered it and were actually very civilised about the whole ‘take-over’ thing.
The Mauritians (although the Island was now called Ilse de France) took them and their frogs legs to heart and adopted French, or Creole (broken French) as their national tongue. Then the Brits were next to lay their hat on the sun soaked shores, renaming it Mauritius and bringing trade and roads and sensible things like, driving on the left.
Aside from the people being lovely and the place itself idyllic, there are also some marvellously random things to do here. Of course, you can swim, sail, dive, kayak, wake-board (I’ve done all five) but on dry land, there’s also some pretty good stuff to be getting on with too. You can even hang out with lions. Yes, real, live, hungry, kill you with their paws, lions.
They were introduced to a wildlife park, which also has Zebra, ostrich, wildebeest, antelope and 120-year-old turtles in its 35-odd acres.
And as I am sure you can see from my holiday snaps, I got up close with some pretty scary animals! I suppose it’s not a million miles away from Blair Drummond Safari Park. Except it is. So it’s all been a roaring success … and despite not fancying a Mauritian betrothal, as a holiday destination I definitely say ‘I dooo’.
The films I watched on the plane:
1. THE WATCH:
A stellar cast of some of my favourite actors: Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, that guy from Superbad. Terrible script but some ace ad-libbing from the guys – yes, I’d definitely say it was worth a “Watch”.
2. KATY PERRY:
Part of Me: I started this one by accident (honest) but the lovely KP hooked me in. A surprisingly intimate, albeit well edited, doco for tweenies… and those who think they’re tweenies.
3.TOTAL RECALL:
Following the trend of 1980s/90s remakes, this is another rehash of a perfectly good film. Yes, CGI makes it all the more real but, for me, it’s lost the wee bit of fantasy. That said, plenty of eye candy to keep your interest peaked.
4. BRAVE:
I sadly missed this film at the cinema. It is, though, an excellent story, full of spot-on stereotypes and beautiful animation. And, of course, it helps that it’s set in just the best place on earth.
5. FRIENDS WITH KIDS:
For some reason flying makes me feel a wee bit emotional, so I admit I had a wee cry at this one… into my dinky, airplane-sized wine.