THE race to be No.1 is hotting up – and I’m not talking about Joe McElderry from the X Factor.
It’s the race to be Scotland’s manager, and Dundee United’s Craig Levein looks certain to be the man.
Good luck, Craig, because it must be one of the toughest jobs in football.
A nation expects, and the Scotland manager has limited resources at his disposal.
Under George Burley, Scotland’s ratings plunged faster than a Premiership player nudged in the penalty area.
Just days before he was axed Burley, was walking his three-legged dog around the outskirts of Hampden.
Looking dejected, he picked up a lamp which was lying on the streets of Mount Florida.
He rubbed it, and out popped a genie.
“Thank you for releasing me from the lamp,” it said.
“I have the power to grant you one wish – anything you desire.
“Can you make my dog win Crufts?” asked Burley.
“What, with only three legs? Wish again! “
Burley paused, looked at the dog, then said: “Okay, can you arrange for me to keep my job, and lead Scotland to the Euros in 2012?
“Hmm, let’s have another look at that dog,” said the genie.
The plight of the Scottish domestic game will not be much help.
Tom-Tom have recalled all their sat nav units as they have discovered they cannot locate Rangers or Celtic in Europe.
The last time Scotland qualified for a major finals I still had hair, no belly and Labour were still popular.
Yes, it was that long ago.
Revitalising Scotland in time for Euro 2012 will be about as easy as Tiger Woods picking up the Husband of the Year award.
Tiger’s publicist – now there’s a job that would be tougher than the Scotland hotseat.
News about the world No.1’s private life escalated after he crashed into fire hydrant and a tree outside his mansion.
Unfortunately, indecision cost him as couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
As 2009 draws to a close, sport has been hit by a number of scandals to the so-called ‘role models’ in their field.
Before Tiger there was Thierry Henry’s controversial goal for France in the World Cup play-off against the Republic of Ireland.
Henry said he was so ashamed he wanted to kick himself – the only problem was which hand to use?
The French striker has cut back on big breakfasts to get ready for the World Cup.
“After all,” he said, “in France, one egg is un oeuf.”
Henry’s goal was just one example of bad refereeing this season.
Scottish players are raging at the amount of red cards dished out recently.
Aberdeen have had five, with Gary McDonald sent off for raising his shirt over his stomach after celebrating a goal.
But he should spare a thought for Servette midfielder Paulo Diogo.
He scored against Schaffhausen in the Swiss league in December 2004.
He jumped into the crowd to celebrate, but on the way managed to catch his wedding ring on a fence and tore off the top half of his finger.
As half his finger lay on the grass at the side of the pitch, the referee still booked him for excessive celebration.
One place they have not been celebrating recently is Tottenham, as their promising start to the season has hit the rails.
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp will use a clips of goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes’ mistakes against Arsenal as evidence he should launch a January bid for Portsmouth No.1 David James.
Obviously Harry is unaware of the David James box-set volumes 1-12.