IF SCOTTISH football were a boxer, the referee would have stopped the fight long ago.
After a month of humiliation, the national game is reeling, punch-drunk from too many slaps.
Aberdeen, Falkirk and Motherwell have all been sent tumbling from Europe, while Hearts are set to join them after their hiding in Zagreb.
The SFA had planned to introduce a new line in merchandise in celebration of their clubs competing in the new Europa League – the European Campaign Calendar.
But fans are demanding their money back – they’ve discovered it ends in August.
During Hearts’ trip to Croatia for the 4-0 defeat to Dinamo Zagreb, it was rumoured there was a health scare with one of the Jambos confined to bed with suspected swine flu.
Doctors have stated that this is an extremely rare situation and have warned it will not spread, as they do not expect to see any Hearts players in Europe any time soon.
The last month has seen disaster after disaster for Scotland, with George Burley’s flops losing 4-0 to Norway.
Only Celtic provided any respite with their defeat of Dinamo Moscow.
Although, that all went wrong against Arsenal when goalie Artur Boruc let in two goals.
What’s the difference between Boruc and Borat?
One’s an Eastern European comedian ... the other’s a character played by Ali G!
At least Scotland teams are not the only ones lurching from disaster to disaster.
With no new players, no new owner and relegation to the Championship, former boss and Newcastle United legend Alan Shearer said he had been ‘tearing his hair out in frustration’.
Well, at least that’s one thing that will be over quickly.
Newcastle claimed that their £100 million asking price has attracted a positive response from several parties – mainly the loud ones being held in households across Sunderland.
The Magpies are so bad Michael Owen jumped ship to Manchester United.
With Owen back in the Premier League, American magician David Blaine is struggling to come to terms with the disappointment at being told that his 44 days spent in a box doing nothing were in vain.
Owen is certain to smash that record.
Gothenburg, glory nights at Pittodrie against Bayern Munich and Hamburg – I was brought up on those games.
And as a 12-year-old, it seemed those glory days would never end.
Even Dundee United did their bit in the 1980s by reaching the UEFA Cup final.
Now those days seem so far away, but I still do my best to hang on to them.
In the mid 90s I was on holiday in America and was travelling through the remote, desolate desert plains in Nevada.
Out of the barren wilderness I spotted an oasis, well a pub.
After throwing a few cold ones back, I noticed an old, Native American man in the corner, in full head-dress.
“Who’s that?” I asked the barman.
“The Memory Man. He knows everything and remembers every fact.
“Test him out.”
So I did.
“Who won the 1983 European Cup Winners’ Cup?” I said.
“Aberdeen,” he said.
“Who did they beat?” “Real Madrid, 2-1 after extra-time – and it was raining.”
Amazed, I returned home and told my friends about this amazing man, and was determined to see him again.
About 10 years later I finally got the chance to go back to Nevada, and that bar was still there.
The Memory Man was still there.
“How”, I greeted him.
“John Hewitt, diving header after a cross from Mark McGhee.”