Why do Scotland even compete at cricket?
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CAN Scottish cricket sink any lower?
With a humiliating defeat to Afghanistan I doubt it.
Lowly Scotland are now in danger of losing their one-day status after yet another embarrassing loss.
Afghanistan are to world cricket what the Sahara desert bobsleigh team are to the Winter Olympics.
It is like Aberdeen losing to some amateur part-timers like Queens Park, or Rangers slipping up against Lithuanian minnows.
Oops, that’s already happened.
Why do Scotland even compete at cricket? It has all the excitement and drama of a Jim Jefferies post match press conference.
It is the only game where the result is known hours before it is scheduled to finish – yet they still continue to play. Why? Just end the misery now.
Five days for one game, some football managers’ careers do not even last that long.
It is the only sport you have to shave while playing.
Scottish cricket have agreed to be the first carbon neutral team in the world. They are going to finish all of their matches before the floodlights are switched on.
A huge squad travelled out to South Africa from Scotland in their doomed bid to qualify for the World Cup.
The only Scot who spent any real time at the crease was the kitman who ironed the team whites.
Thankfully, one Scottish team did do the nation proud this week, with David Murdoch’s curlers taking World Championship gold.
Remarkably for a sport that involves taking a brush over ice, the final was exciting, and came down to a nail biting climax.
The only time I have ever come close to that was when I brushed the snow off my garden steps.
Aberdeen will host two major sporting events this week, the WWE wrestling and the Premier League darts.
Fat overweight men in lycra sweating it out in front of thousands of people – and the wrestling is good as well.
I will be at the AECC on Thursday to watch the world’s best tungsten aces in action.
Believe me, I need the tips. I play for O’Donoghues darts team in the fourth division of the Aberdeenshire League.
It is the bottom league, and I am still batting above my weight. A 180 maximum? The only way I would get that would be if I threw a hedgehog at the board.
Don’t let people fool you into thinking darts is a safe game. During a league game earlier this season I was marking the board and the dart bounced off the wire.
I watched it, almost in slow motion as it sailed through the air, point first. Then thump, it landed hard, and embedded itself in ... well let’s just say it was above my knees and below my stomach and brought tears to my eyes.
The Premier League Darts will also see the great Sid Wadell come to the Granite City to commentate on the event.
A master of the one liners here are a couple of his best:
“Bristow reasons ... Bristow quickens ... Aah, Bristow.”
“Jockey Wilson ... What an athlete.”
“That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!”
“The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them.”
“Well as giraffes say, you don’t get no leaves unless you stick your neck out.”
“He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.”
“As they say at the DHSS, we’re getting the full benefit here.”
“This lad has more checkouts than Tesco.”
“John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians.”
“Steve Beaton – The Adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance – a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax.”
“When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer ... Bristow’s only 27.”
“Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength.”
