Need a tip for Cheltenham? Don’t ask me!
Published:
IT’S THAT time of the year again when I open up my wallet and pour the contents into the local bookies and give my contribution to their Christmas party fund.
The Cheltenham Festival, nearly a week of haemorrhaging cash, nervously watching gee-gees huffing and puffing, as I gnaw my finger-nails.
My phone has been bleeping with texts for hot tips for the races, each one a dud.
The quickest the last horse I backed will ever run is from a glue bottle.
It was so slow the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
I backed one of the favourites and thought I was in the money when it moved way ahead of the field.
Suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
Against the odds, he managed to keep control of his mount, and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill, he managed to steer the horse two lengths clear, only to be hit by a bottle of sherry just before the finish line, knocking him off his horse.
There was a steward’s inquiry as the jockey complained he had been seriously hampered.
One of my friends had a pony, and another had a monkey on Gold Cup favourite Kauto Star, I don’t know how they managed to stay on.
One of the highlights of my summer is the annual Bridge Bar jamboree down to the Perth races.
Sunshine, beer and a wee punt, everything for a great day.
But a winner, no chance.
And the best bit about the races?
You can watch the jockeys and horse in the parade ring before they run to work out your bets.
Ruby Walsh was in the Perth ring discussing race tactics with the horse’s trainer.
Unfortunately, Walsh soon discovered it had competed in nearly 50 races, and finished last in them all.
The race began, and Walsh was 30 lengths behind after half a furlong, so he used the whip, but still no response.
He used the whip again. Suddenly the horse came to a sudden halt, turned round to Walsh and shouted: “Will you knock it off with that whip, I have to be up at half three in the morning to deliver the milk.”
With so much money riding on horse racing, there have been scandals with doping and fixing in the past.
A trainer was giving last minute instructions to his jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by.
“What was that?” inquired the steward.
“Oh nothing, just a polo”.
He offered one to the steward and had one himself.
After the steward had left the scene, the trainer continued with his instructions.
“Just keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me”.
Bookies are really raking in the money now after the introduction of night racing in recent years, but racing under the floodlights is one of the rare times I have backed a winner.
I had begun backing a filly, but it lost every race it entered.
But her trainer began entering her for night races, and she regularly won. But when she raced during the day, she would come in dead last.
Frustrated, the trainer consulted top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail.
He finally had to give up because it had become ... a real night mare.
That same psychologist also moonlighted by treating humans.
One woman went to him distressed about her husband.
“He thinks he’s a horse,” she said.
“He neighs instead of speaking and has slept standing up for the last six months.”
“It will require a lot of treatment,” said the psychologist.
“It could run into thousands of pounds. Can you afford it?”
“Why of course we can,” said the woman. “He’s already won three races at Cheltenham.”
Needless to say, I hadn’t backed him.
