MY PARENTS were never the strictest disciplinarians.
In fairness I was such a soppy, cry-baby child that they probably didn’t really ever have to give me into trouble.
Those times when they did I’m fairly sure I was deserving of whatever punishment my parents dished out.
I don’t think they ever grounded me, but if they did it would have been because I had been naughty.
Had my mum and dad decided to ground me because some idiot who lived two streets away from me had vandalised the drama teacher’s car and then started fights with other boys, then you will agree it would have been a massive injustice.
Yet, in a way this is what Aberdeen City Council has decided to do.
Because, like every other city in the world, there exist a few morons in Aberdeen who like to cause trouble, our city fathers in their infinite wisdom are planning to punish the rest of us by imposing a curfew from September.
To me the word curfew conjures up images of Baghdad or youth hostelling, but here in Aberdeen it’ll mean that you’re not allowed in to a pub or club after 12.30am. If you get into a nightspot before then and it smells or is only full of ugly people, well tough, you’re not going to be able to go anywhere else so deal with it.
Or perhaps you’ve just finished work at the bar or restaurant you earn money from – well, unless you can get out before 12.30am then no post-work pint for you.
Or perhaps you’ve been out to see some music or some comedy or had a late dinner and it doesn’t finish till 12.35am – then you, my friend, are well and truly stuffed. Your night is over.
Curfews have been tried before in bigger, more troublesome cities than Aberdeen and they have failed.
I believe that the rationale behind this is that it’s going to stop fights from happening.
Because currently when places close at 3am there’s a surge of drunks on to our streets and as we all know 3am is the prime time for looking at other people’s burds and knocking kebabs over.
Instead the curfew would see, rather ironically, a “staggering” of people leaving the clubs.
Surely all this means is that the trouble will last two and a half hours instead of one.
And most of those people staggering home early will probably be smokers who nip out for a fly puff and then find themselves unable to get back in.
Really the only trouble inside the night club is going to be from smokers ripping off their own flesh with their fingernails because they can’t have a wee fag.
It has been tried in Glasgow and Edinburgh and has been found to be as effective as using fish oils to cure ingrowing toenails.
The trouble didn’t end – all that happened was some pubs and nightclubs were closed, some service industry staff lost their jobs and people got annoyed.
It’s a rather stupid idea which will annoy most people and won’t make a blind bit of difference to the people who go out looking for trouble.
If the council find it effective it’s surely only a matter of time until they kill all the puppies who come into Aberdeen because there happens to be some dog muck on the streets.
Or perhaps they could employ people to go around putting their fingers into the mouth of people eating chewing gum to stop them spitting it out on the pavements.