Chambers should just give up

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SELF delusion has been rife in sport this week.

First, shamed athlete Dwain Chambers claimed he could beat world 100m and 200m record holder Usian Bolt.

Chambers has tried his hand at every sport from tiddlywinks to underwater hockey since being uncovered as a drug cheat.

He flopped at them all and now fancies another crack at sprinting, and reckons he can beat Bolt.

Chambers has as much chance of beating Bolt as I have of knocking out Ricky Hatton in the ring.

If it was a sumo wrestling match I would beat Hatton.

No, forget that, have you seen the shape of him lately.

The one and only ring he has been near is onion and doughnuts.

Chambers claimed he would never have taken performance-enhancing drugs if he had known it would result in a life ban from the Olympics.

What about not taking drugs because it is wrong, dangerous and dishonest.

There has been more self-delusion at Chelsea with the sacking of Luiz Felipe Scolari.

A Channel 4 sitcom runs longer than the job expectancy of a new English Premier League manager now.

If Chelsea think the arrival of Gus Hiddink will bring them back into the title race they are living in dream land.

But Hiddink will get Russia to the World Cup in South Africa in 2010.

There has been a lot of negative publicity about the crime rate in South Africa.

That’s nothing, there were 200 murders in the small English village where my friend lives, it’s a wee place called Midsomer.

Formula One drivers are also deluded if they think anyone cares that they face a hike of a few thousand pounds in their driving fees.

They make millions, and Lewis Hamilton, like Sean Connery, has left Britain to enjoy less taxes.

A few extra grand is hardly going to dent the F1 world champion’s wedge.

Sir Sean recently received an excited call from his agent.

“Sean, I have a fantastic role lined up for you. Can you make the audition?” she said.

“Sssssssshhhure, when is it.”

“Ok, it’s around tennish.

“Tennish, but I don’t have a racket.”

The snow this week has caused havoc in the North-east roads and a lorry carrying snooker equipment to a sports shop lost its load.

Apparently the cues went back for miles. Police said the driver was under a rest.

I slipped and fell on ice walking to work, but it could have been worse.

My friend slipped on a tub of margarine and broke his leg.

He’s been in hospital for six weeks – I can’t believe he’s not better.