Iron Mike’s return would be worst decision this ear
Published:
PLEASE wake me up – I must be dreaming!
Is Mike Tyson really going to fight Evander Holyfield in the United Arab Emirates later this year?
As fights go, it has all the allure of the grumpy past it has-been Muppets Waldorf and Stadler slugging it out for 12 rounds.
And this farce of a fight will also be two outdated puppets being manipulated, their strings pulled for a cheap thrill.
No more than a freakish circus sideshow, the fight is being billed as part three in a long lasting feud which saw Tyson bite a chunk out of Holyfield’s ear in 1997
He was disqualified – for a lobe blow.
The tag-line of the new fight should read: ‘Blood, Sweat and Ears’ or ‘Big Fight III – Ear-Reconcilable Differences’.
Has boxing really sunk so low that they expect people to pay for this?
Sadly yes, and the sobering reality is rubber-neckers will shell out money to watch the further psychological meltdown of Tyson.
The former undisputed world champ has piled on the pounds since his embarrassing loss to Irish plodder Kevin McBride.
Iron Mike’s belly is now so floppy and wobbly he should be dubbed ‘Mercury Mike’.
He has put on more than 100lbs – that’s about 100 ears worth, or 20 if it’s Gary Lineker.
If Tyson beats Holyfield, a glamour contest with Prince Charles will be set up at London’s 02 Arena.
He is the only one around with the ears needed to go 12 rounds with Tyson.
Now back in the gym, Tyson will be ready to fight again, as soon as he gets the ok from his dentist.
Tyson’s psychologist told him to take a year off, he obviously misunderstood.
In the height of his heavyweight dominance Tyson used to spar with his pet tiger, it was ggrrrreat.
He would hit the tiger in the face, saying it was like ‘punching a cement wall. They like it’.
Who’s going to break the news to Siegfried and Roy?
After beating up a tiger, Tyson thought he was invincible.
During a recent trip to a zoo in New York, he cornered a monkey and screamed at him: “Who is the mightiest in the world, is it me?”
The poor monkey nodded in agreement.
A little later, he backed a kangaroo up against a wall: “You,” he screamed, “Who is the strongest in the world, is it Iron Mike?”
Shaking, the terrified kangaroo agreed.
Now on a roll, Tyson swaggered up to a an elephant.
Bop, he stuck a left jab on its trunk and bellowed: “Who is the strongest, me?”
The elephant picked up Tyson with its trunk, slamming him down onto the ground.
He hauled him up again, and shook him until Tyson was just a blur of bad tattoos and boxing shorts.
Finally, the elephant threw him violently into a nearby tree.
Staggering to his feet, Tyson said: “Just because you don’t know the answer, you don’t have to get so mad.”
It’s surprising Tyson didn’t come out with the same excuse he used for biting Holyfield – “It was self-defence, he wouldn’t stop punching me.”
Like England in the World Cup final, Holyfield v Tyson is one sporting event I never want to see happen.
Thankfully, one proposed sporting farce has been cancelled.
Mickey Rourke was set to appear in Wrestlemania’s 25th anniversary smackdown.
Brilliant in the film The Wrestler, Rourke was a pro boxer and retired unbeaten, but he was right to knock back what used to be the WWF.
As Tyson found out, wrestling with animals just doesn’t work out.
