Why I can’t wait to get into lycra
Published:
IT’S THAT time of year again when I dust off the lycra, haul it over my beer belly and squeeze myself into a tight boat.
Like Dwain Chambers in a UK track uniform, it is an ugly sight no one wants to see.
I have cut out the cakes and crisps, and, in a bid to get on to the River Dee in driving rain and blizzards.
My sports desk chum Andy Groundwater and I have agreed to race in the media rowing challenge.
A light-hearted sweetener for the University Boat Race on February 28, it is five minutes of agony.
Like England at a World Cup everyone will be watching us, expecting us to fail, and then laughing when we do.
Last year we came in third, (out of three) – it would have been easier to raise the Titanic than get our boat motoring.
For our efforts we received a shiny cup with the word ‘Last’ engraved into it.
It was nearly as embarrassing as Tommy Sheridan on that on that Z-list Celebrity Big Brother.
My wee nephew Jordi keeps the trophy, but the sheen has come off my achievement in his eyes since he discovered what the word ‘last’ meant.
But there will be no slip-ups this year, as we are gunning for glory.
To get that killer instinct on the water, I have turned to hunting to sharpen my instincts.
I bought a new hunting jacket with a Velcro fastening.
Unfortunately, I accidentally rubbed up against a moose and got dragged through the woods for five miles.
I spent the rest of the day duck hunting, with no luck.
Finally, my friend said: “Maybe we ought to try throwing the dogs a little higher.”
In a bid to get fit for the race I have been working out at my local gym.
All those running machines with people going full pelt but getting nowhere.
I thought I was watching the British 4x100m Olympic relay team.
The first machine the health club put me on was the respirator.
Press-ups are good for rowing, so I have a good incentive, I put a bar of chocolate between my toes.
But it can be boring, so I watch the football on the big screen telly in the gym as I am burning off the pounds.
The Carling Cup semi-final between Spurs and Burnley was on.
After a minor resurgence under Harry Redknapp, Spurs are back to their terrible form.
The White Hart Lane club have released a new Sat-Nav system for next season – it has pre-programmed details for Nottingham, Coventry, Sheffield – ideal for life in the Championship.
For faster route finding the following cities have been deleted as they are not needed: Manchester, Liverpool, Hull.
