Roman has bout of the blues

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POOR Chelsea sugar daddy Roman Abramovich has hit dire straits.

Unfortunately, he hasn’t landed one on ageing guitarist Mark Knopfler.

Instead, he is moaning that he is one step away from the poor house after his personal fortune was slashed from £10 billion to £7b.

The Chelsea owner is now so strapped for cash he faces a dilemma – flog Chelsea, or sell his beloved £200 million luxury yacht Peloras.

A tough choice – sell a directionless, over-priced show piece monstrosity, sinking fast – or put the yacht up for auction.

The giant yacht apparently has a couple of helipads and an anti-missile system to fend off pirates.

The anti-missile system has only been deployed once – to shoot down John Terry’s penalty over the Moscow night sky.

The Blues will be in real trouble if Abramovich jumps ship, though. How are they going to attract the world’s greediest, sorry – best, players?

Abramovich has now spent more than £200m on a new squad, and they are still trailing Liverpool in the Premier League.

Perhaps he should have used the money to buy three influential signings like clubs allegedly do in Eastern Europe – the referee and his two assistants.

With money so tight, Stamford Bridge accountants have been forced to slash overheads.

Apparently the players are paying for their own lunches, two slices of humble pie.

The club have axed their army of butlers and Frank Lampard’s personal money counter.

In a bizarre twist, the Blues have also sacked their sacker.

All subsequent P45s will be issued via video link by Abramovich on board his luxury liner.

Players will no longer receive their weight in diamonds for a win, and their weight in gold for a draw.

While the rest of the country has been hit by the credit crunch, it will be good for the over-paid Chelsea prima-donnas to get a taste of reality.

Premier League players have lived in a bubble for too long.

They spend more on a haircut and night out than a Highland League club needs annually to survive.

If these players love football so much – prove it.

Stop leaching off the hard up fans and punt some of your millions back into the game.

Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo will also be feeling the pinch after crashing his sports car this week.

Thankfully he was not hurt.

Accident investigators found the reason for the crash, Ronaldo went over the white line in the road and his instant reaction was to do a somersault.

Newcastle star Shola Ameobi also thought he was out of pocket.

He recently phoned Northumbria Police to report a break in.

The concerned Newcastle striker told the police that several items, including his chequebook, had been nicked from his £500,000 mansion.

However, shortly after making the call he realised that he hadn’t been burgled at all – his house was just really messy.

D’oh, must have been one party!