My sporting predictions for 2009
Published:
THE New Year is upon us and I am predicting major sporting changes for 2009.
UEFA will radically restructure the Champions League entry criteria.
Instead of final domestic league positions the Champions League places will be done by a yearly financial audit.
The clubs with the biggest bank account will be allowed automatic entry.
That way there will be no chance of the big guns missing out.
Cue the race to sign highly rated “creative” accountants in the transfer windows.
All games from the European Champions League will be played in Asia on a trial basis, in a bid to boost T-shirt sales.
The UEFA Cup has already been changed to the Europa league.
Bizarrely Europa is the sixth moon orbiting Jupiter.
In keeping with the space theme, and in deference to Rangers, the Champions League will be changed to the Pluto League - impossible to reach.
Like Ibrox when the Blues are losing it also has no atmosphere, except for a lot of hot gas.
There was plenty of that around in Govan when the hollow excuses for Rangers Euro loss to Kaunas were rattled out.
In the New Year Henrik Larrson will finally announce his retirement from competitive football -when he returns to play for Celtic.
Parkhead’s Aussie striker Scott McDonald has been receiving pelters for being overweight.
But I predict 2009 will see Skippy sign a new extended deal at Parkhead.
Gordon Strachan will admit that when he offered the new deal McDonald bit his hand off.
“I must have left some mayonnaise on it.”
There will be more behind the scenes chaos at Tynecastle with Hearts going through six new managers.
So they will be a lot more stable than 2008.
Owner Vladimir Romanov will reveal his criteria for a new managerial team - the right candidate must be wooden, have strings and a painted face.
Motherwell will receive a massive cash incentive when they announce they will host a major sporting event - the British long course swimming championships.
Fir Park is ideal, and the constantly flooded pitch provides one of the few 50m pools in Scotland.
Kilmarnock will also announce they have landed the 2009 European figure skating finals.
In the World Cup qualifiers Scotland will narrowly miss out on qualification - by a single goal.
That is despite the call from boss George Burley for every Scot, including the Loch Ness Monster, to get behind the team.
In the English Premier League Manchester United will win the title.
That will be despite the loss of star striker Dmitar Berbatov.
The Bulgarian will be forced to move to a Whitby Beazer Homes Section 8 amateur side after unwittingly signing a contract.
He gave a fan his autograph outside Old Trafford.
But after the striker’s West Ham fiasco everything Berbatov autographs apparently commits him to a five-year contract with the option to extend it after three years.
Chelsea will reveal in early January that they have already booked their hotel for this season’s Champions League final. It will be in Knightsbridge, where the team will be.
The recession will hit clubs hard, with Newcastle United forced to make huge cuts.
Magpie’s stars will be told to buy their own club suits in the latest cost-cutting measure.
Joey Barton will go for hoops so he doesn’t need to change for jail.
Fulham will be relegated, with owner Mohammed Al Fayed in no doubt of who to blame.
“It was Prince Phillip, in the dining room with the candle stick!”
Staying in London preparations for the 2012 Olympics will also be hit by the recession.
Plans for an extravagant opening ceremony will have to be scrapped.
And I predict the British Government will be up in arms when somebody leaks a video of the rehearsal for Ceremony on the Internet. I don’t want to give away too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch.
